Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
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*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
The second world war should have been called world war returns
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.