Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
You Might Also Like
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them