Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
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“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.