Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
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This made me smile…
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.