They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
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If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Liquor Store Parking
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Current mood: Potato
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.