hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
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To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s