kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
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(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.