“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
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Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
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Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.