Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
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You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Somewhere in an alternate universe