9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
You Might Also Like
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better