if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
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Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it