Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
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Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?