RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
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[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
happy friday
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing