[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
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him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
The hardest thing Vision has to do
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt