I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
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ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
pep talk
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”