1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
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Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
This is a sub tweet
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it