I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
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Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
what?
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.