Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
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[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.