“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
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I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
our love story in four pictures
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞