[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
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[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
I have obtained a hat
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Awwwww shit.