meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
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Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Love it! 👍😂
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
there has never been a better use of this meme
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now