Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
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[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
So sick of all these stupid rules
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Thrilling chase underway
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.