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Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Basketball
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
spot the difference
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Death certificates are our last participation award.