“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
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Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.