Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
You Might Also Like
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer