God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
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[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Noah
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.