Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
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Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Dishonest mechanic?
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.