Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
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Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
is this a warning or an offer?
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.