Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
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Wait a second…
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Breaking news:
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints