My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
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A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.