90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
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I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem