“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
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Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin