check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
You Might Also Like
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.