ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
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I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad