I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
You Might Also Like
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF