My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
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Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.