Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
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I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Meow?
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan