My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
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📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”