Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
You Might Also Like
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
i dont have time for this
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Jurassic park gets weird
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Have kids, they said
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.