When someone asks if I have any hobbies
You Might Also Like
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.