If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
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If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.