Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
You Might Also Like
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-