*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
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No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
my retirement plan is braless
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
I love you…
…r dog.