Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
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Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
I needed a laugh this morning.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Always leave them wanting their money back.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Meow
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.