Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
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Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
This came to me in a dream.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather