1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
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ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
if a cop pulls u over play dead
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris