Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
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If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
i think we should see other cousins
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed