Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
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For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
also my go-to takeaway order
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
hmmm
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.