WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
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WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
That’s no pocket rocket.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.