It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
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Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.